Responding to Doubt When You Can’t Trust Your Memory.
How difficult it is to refrain from checking when you can’t trust your memory! If you suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it’s incredibly hard. You can’t get a clear signal that lets you know whether you actually locked the door, cheated on a test, or accidently hurt someone.
Anxiety specialists will encourage you just to move on, even in the face of uncertainty. And they’re right – it’s really the best advice. But to handle the distress you’re experiencing, here is a small ‘mind hack’ that will help you:
Rather than checking your thoughts, the internet, your partner, or the front door, consider instead what you would have “wanted” to do, and what you “would” have done. Appreciate, for this moment, who you are as a person. Consider your values, your intentions, your common sense, and your priorities. These qualities are alive in you, and the good news is they do not waver.
OCD doesn’t want you to trust these “invisible” forces that govern your actions; it wants you to be 100% certain. It’s pushing you for evidence. It wants you to check. But the truth is, you are always here, you always show up in the present moment, you have all the information you need, and – most importantly – you are trustworthy.
Shifting from Content to Character.
Rather than asking, “Did I actually remember to do that?” Ask instead, “What, under these types of circumstances, would I have wanted to do?”
Then, rather than focusing on the content of your worry, consider instead the kind of person you are. Chances are, you have executed the correct behavior – even without consciously “knowing.” Why? Because while all the other contexts change – the day, the event, and the action you can’t be sure of – “you” are the constant that never changes. And . . .
You Can Trust Yourself.
While moments and actions may come and go, your own presence is far more enduring. Because your character remains stable over time, chances are that you did right thing, that you did it right, and that you did it already.
Cognitive Reframe.
What helps is to move from “content” to “character.” Shift away from the confusion of doubt, and move toward what you understand more than anything else – yourself. Then offer the following reframe:
- “I can’t say if I did lock the door, but I can say that I would lock the door.”
- “I can’t say if I did cheat, but I can say that I wouldn’t cheat.
In other words,
- “I can’t say if I did do that, but I can say that I would (or wouldn’t) do that.”
Yes, your mind is glitchy, but your mind doesn’t fail you or others in the ways you might think. The “glitch” in OCD is about the threatening false message that wants you to turn on yourself: to remove your sense of trust; to blame yourself; and to feel doubt, guilt, or fear when it’s completely unwarranted. Yes, it’s important in your recovery to move on with uncertainty. But here is something genuinely encouraging:
You probably did remember to do the right thing. You did it because of survival instincts. You did it because of what is important to you. You did it because of common sense. You did it because of routine. You did it for a lot of reasons. And yes, those reasons are largely invisible. But they are still there.
And the biggest reason – the one that you can trust – is that you did it because it’s what you would have wanted.
Yes, you can move on, because what’s protecting you more than your memory is the constant, ongoing presence of Self. So give yourself some grace, dear reader. You can live with uncertainty while trusting your stable presence over time. It can be done, and you’re reaching for that ability right now. You were there in the moment – the moment that concerns you now.
And speaking of remembering, you can always remember this: You are – and you were – the best person to trust.
